This is from Dave Hanson in The New Yorker magazine. Hilarious!
Long Island Iced 401(k)
Put hopes in shaker. Add dreams. Shake until dashed, then drink all the vodka, gin, tequila, and rum left in liquor cabinet.
Bear Market Shot
Pick up lots of checks because you think the glass is half full; when
you find it’s actually half empty, take a single shot to the head.
Broke & Tan
Fall asleep in yard on weekday, wake up sunburned and so dehydrated that anything tastes good.
Pour two ounces of vodka into a cocktail shaker. Lament fact that you
moved into a smaller house to pay for your son’s college education and,
since he couldn’t get a job and he’s now twenty-six, he’s living on
your couch. Eying your son as he works his Wii, pour two more ounces of
vodka into shaker. Serve with a grimace.
Add a dozen I.P.O.’s to portfolio, wait until bubble bursts, drink all day every day.
Discover that your BlackBerry doesn’t work because you haven’t paid the
bill. Sling it against the wall, then buy a prepaid phone and make some
rum in your toilet.
Bloody Maria Bartiromo
Squeeze four packets of McDonald’s ketchup and one packet of pepper
into a glass. Mix with eight ounces homemade hooch. Drink while you
watch the Money Honey on a TV in the window of a Circuit City that’s
going out of business at the end of the month.
To avoid foreclosure, rent the other bedrooms in your condo to migrant farmworkers; steal their booze when they go out to work.
Let last drops of liquor trickle from spent bottles at recycling center into plastic cup. Serve with shame.