change

Jan 19 2012

Tactics for Tough Times: Don’t Go it Alone

Our country values the myth of the “rugged individualist”. We are enamored with the resolve of one person to succeed in the midst of adversity. We have been socialized through cultural influences to believe that we, too, must be a rugged individualist.  In fact, popular culture perpetuates the message that you are the most important person in the world- “this Bud’s for you”. You can do it!

When it comes to thriving in change and creating a life you love, it has to be accomplished with others. Comrades. Amigos. Family. Because the fact of the matter is, none of us is as smart as all of us. Community works.

If we want to strengthen our resilience, our thriveability, we can’t go it alone. We must rely on our relational resources.

  • Our social networks. Given the technology that was available back in the 1960′s, it was suggested we were six degrees removed from anybody else on the planet. Remember the game “six degrees of Kevin Bacon”? It meant that between you and anyone else on the planet there were only five other people. Find the right people and you could meet anyone. With today’s technology that separation is now three degrees. Two other people are needed to meet anyone else in the entire world. My wife and I discovered fairly quickly that we are three degrees removed from Barak Obama in two ways (punchline here). So, your social networks can help you to not go it alone. There is understandable caution on digital relationships, but the collective hive can often provide resources you are looking for.
  • Our intimate bonds. Let me ask a question: “how do you know who you are?” Really, how do you know?. I would answer by stating we know who we are only because we are in close relationships with other people. Our closest friends and allies are those who know us well, who have helped define us, and keep us honest when we deviate from that identity. They reflect back to us the core elements, good and bad, of what makes us, us. When I was at a very low point in my life, my counselor told me to give people the honor of ministering to me. Though it went against my “rugged individualist” nurturing,  I humbly relied on a select few, intimate friendships to help move through the tough time. I thank God for them everyday.

What might keep us from close relationships? Is there anything practical we can do to nurture the relationships we have? I’d love  your comments

 

 

By Jeff Vankooten • Change, Collaboration, Friendship, Integrity, marriage, resilience, Robust Collaboration • 1 • Tags: , , , ,

Jan 16 2012

Tactics for Tough Times: Take time to think

There’s concern we’re googling more and thinking less. When an answer is an easy mouse click away, we don’t need to do the hard work of thinking through an answer ourselves.

With an increasing amount of information being offered through an unending array of choices, we tend to become numb to it all.  We can be lulled into a catatonic state by the information assaulting us. Psychologists call this a “narcotizing dysfunction”.  There won’t be much we don’t know, its just that no one will be thinking about it.  We’ll be too doped up on superfluous information to care.

The ability to think deeply about the information of our lives and discern what requires our attention involves mindfulness. Mindfulness is a preconditioned state of acute awareness. It doesn’t happen instantly but takes deliberate practice over time. There are two ways to hone our ability to think and be aware:

  • Contemplate. The Greek word for “leisure” is “scole”. It is the root for the English words “school” and “scholarship”.  In other words, the Greeks believed learning was a leisurely pursuit with unencumbered time to explore a subject deeply.  It was understood not as idleness, but as time spent in exploration and conversation around an idea. The best way to learn anything, and learn it deeply, was to the have the time to do it.  Ask any teacher today if his/her classroom is a place of leisure and they’ll look at you like you’re crazy.  The educational endeavor in schools is too tense to get a whole lot out of it.
  • Resonate. I biked 120 miles with my college buddies shortly after graduation. We would align ourselves tightly behind the wheel of the rider in front of us to conserve energy by drafting.  Every once and a while one of us would veer out of the alignment. It was dangerous. We came up with a way to help deal with it. We would yell to the person in front of us to, “hold your line, big fella!”. I guess you had to be there.  Anyway, this world is desperate for people who hold the line, those who are unwavering in their commitment to virtue and integrity. To resonate is to take the time to align the deepest values to the totality of who you are. It takes time to develop and calibrate an harmonious inner and outer self.  In this chaotic morass of change we find ourselves in, its more important than ever to be a resonated person that can help get us through.

What are some contemporary barriers you see to contemplation and resonation? What are some ways we can take time to do both? Comment here>>

 

 

 

By Jeff Vankooten • adaptation, Attitude, Imagination, resilience, thinking, tough times • 1 • Tags: , , , ,

May 24 2011

Become who you really are

1Lr9p08V8n2_emyvZw602h_dvhUqvFqc9yA1XF7Atsxqd-l0a1FnHyI_69baJtu-45ksdT8AgGo_5B_9Q43MDEt1K_TfBFzTHOz5uFJ4jVeVxNt3dv17Nq1okXSQs4aXVWwzeSxB8jJsMpP93UsnvPiWZ-us0gY80G4sZWm0tGP_9uPktdA5cnSRyroHsOmjp2L93vKenBI There was an unemployed man looking for work. He found an opening at a zoo that was looking for someone to dress in a gorilla costume and sit in a cage. The real gorilla, the star attraction, had passed away and they didn't want to let the visitors know.

He figured he could that. He applied, got the job, and began to sit in the cage in the gorilla costume. He got bored so he began to jump around and act "gorilla like". He found out that the more animated he became with the gorilla moves, the more elated the audience became. He was intoxicated with the accolades, so he thought he would really work the crowd.

He began swinging on a vine, and on his third pass he slipped and flew right into the lion's cage. He realized he was in grave danger so he began to tell the audience that he really wasn't a gorilla, he was only dressing up in a costume and they needed to get help.

Before he could get the message completely out, the lion pounced on the man, pinned him to the ground and said, "Would you shut up! Do you want to get us both found out?!"

Most people spend the first half of their lives being what others expect them to be. They then spend the second half of their lives being what they were made for in the first place. But why wait til then to to become an authentic person? Becoming who you really are requires some bold moves.

First you must get out of your costume. Undress yourself from market definitions of who you are supposed to be. Become unbranded from product lines and become your own brand. Do the hard work of discerning what expectations from others are accurate and which are unreasonable. I think your gut knows the difference. This will make you a new person.

Then become free from your cage. If ignorance is bliss, then we have alot of contented people in the world. Don't believe everything you read or hear. Take the time to think and determine where you are being locked in by biases (yours and others), past disappointments and other restrictive components of life. Change and healing begins with you. Often our cages are locked from the inside.

Finally, venture out into the wild. The philosopher David Henry Thoreau said that the "mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Often what is called resignation is in reality desperation. Out into the wild is really a part of the life you live now. To be out of your costumes and free from your cages opens a whole new adventure for the life you are already living. Doing this will give you a whole new purpose.

By Jeff Vankooten • adaptation, Attitude, Change, courage, Hope, resilience • 2 • Tags: , , , ,

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